Is This My Destiny?..My Fate?

One of the main problems that I have encountered throughout my entire life is maintaining a strong relationship with anyone. I have yet been able to solidify a strong and durable relationship with anyone...and because of that, I have gone through most of my life alone.

In my high school years however, I have felt more close to certain individuals. In my freshman year, I met one of the coolest people I know. We were very close for about a year and a half, and then she threw me aside when she found a "click" that suited her.

I have friends who I have known since the fourth grade. At a base, our friendship is strong, and we support each other fully. Yet the amount of respect I feel these people have for me is very low. It really is sad that I am their friend yet I hardly see them besides when I invite them to a party/get-together at my house, and the occasional hang outs.

Because of these mishaps, I have questioned my own personality on infinite amount of occasions. Am I too soft? Am I too generous? Do I value their beliefs and interests so much that they solely rely on me for support instead of enjoyment? I have felt like I have been trampled on, used and abused, and abandoned so many time in my life...it's getting to the point where I can't bear it anymore.

However, the event that I have gone through a few days ago tore the last thread that held me together. The one person who I have shared my own heart with...the one person who I believed to always be there during my trials...refuses to believe me during a stupid conflict that has come up at work. The fact that this little episode is incredibly minor and pointless just adds to my questioning on my friend's trust. Seeing her avoid me at all costs and to completely shun my words and to believe the lies from a two-faced witch tore me apart. The one person who has given me the motivation to keep believing has rejected my very existence...and left me alone without a shoulder to lean on. I have overcome the rejection of those I have trusted before...but why is so hard this time? Despite my true feelings for this girl...she has truly been the kind of friend I never thought I would ever meet. She never abandoned me and made me question my own personality...I was able to be me and still make her smile.

Yet...she refuses to believe a word I say on the problem. I know in my heart that I didn't do a thing to harm her...heck, I NEVER did anything to harm her. I can say this with God himself as my witness...I care for her more than words can express. But if she wishes to believe someone who has a questionable integrity...that's on her. I know that I never did a thing...God knows I never did a thing...I can't do anything to change her mind. If she values my friendship...she wouldn't be doing this. Yet here she is...denying every word that is only meant to console her.

I don't even know who I am anymore...I don't even know who I have ever been. Maybe I'm just not a person who is meant to feel the enjoyment of friendship. Maybe I'm destined to be a source of comfort and shelter until the person no longer needs it. ...maybe that's my purpose in life. If so...then I might as well not even bother trying to build anything less than a mere acquaintance with those who are needing my help.

The thought makes me dread feeling alone for the rest of my life. I have yet to make a "true" best friend...but maybe that's the destiny of someone like me. "A jack of all trades but a master of none." Is that what I am? Do I have all the qualities that make a good friend, yet lacking the ability to retain a solid friendship with anyone? Do I lack the chemistry to connect with others?

This may be my destiny...my fate. If so, I only hope that I can learn to overcome my desires and to realize the true meaning of my life.