Is This My Destiny?..My Fate?

One of the main problems that I have encountered throughout my entire life is maintaining a strong relationship with anyone. I have yet been able to solidify a strong and durable relationship with anyone...and because of that, I have gone through most of my life alone.

In my high school years however, I have felt more close to certain individuals. In my freshman year, I met one of the coolest people I know. We were very close for about a year and a half, and then she threw me aside when she found a "click" that suited her.

I have friends who I have known since the fourth grade. At a base, our friendship is strong, and we support each other fully. Yet the amount of respect I feel these people have for me is very low. It really is sad that I am their friend yet I hardly see them besides when I invite them to a party/get-together at my house, and the occasional hang outs.

Because of these mishaps, I have questioned my own personality on infinite amount of occasions. Am I too soft? Am I too generous? Do I value their beliefs and interests so much that they solely rely on me for support instead of enjoyment? I have felt like I have been trampled on, used and abused, and abandoned so many time in my life...it's getting to the point where I can't bear it anymore.

However, the event that I have gone through a few days ago tore the last thread that held me together. The one person who I have shared my own heart with...the one person who I believed to always be there during my trials...refuses to believe me during a stupid conflict that has come up at work. The fact that this little episode is incredibly minor and pointless just adds to my questioning on my friend's trust. Seeing her avoid me at all costs and to completely shun my words and to believe the lies from a two-faced witch tore me apart. The one person who has given me the motivation to keep believing has rejected my very existence...and left me alone without a shoulder to lean on. I have overcome the rejection of those I have trusted before...but why is so hard this time? Despite my true feelings for this girl...she has truly been the kind of friend I never thought I would ever meet. She never abandoned me and made me question my own personality...I was able to be me and still make her smile.

Yet...she refuses to believe a word I say on the problem. I know in my heart that I didn't do a thing to harm her...heck, I NEVER did anything to harm her. I can say this with God himself as my witness...I care for her more than words can express. But if she wishes to believe someone who has a questionable integrity...that's on her. I know that I never did a thing...God knows I never did a thing...I can't do anything to change her mind. If she values my friendship...she wouldn't be doing this. Yet here she is...denying every word that is only meant to console her.

I don't even know who I am anymore...I don't even know who I have ever been. Maybe I'm just not a person who is meant to feel the enjoyment of friendship. Maybe I'm destined to be a source of comfort and shelter until the person no longer needs it. ...maybe that's my purpose in life. If so...then I might as well not even bother trying to build anything less than a mere acquaintance with those who are needing my help.

The thought makes me dread feeling alone for the rest of my life. I have yet to make a "true" best friend...but maybe that's the destiny of someone like me. "A jack of all trades but a master of none." Is that what I am? Do I have all the qualities that make a good friend, yet lacking the ability to retain a solid friendship with anyone? Do I lack the chemistry to connect with others?

This may be my destiny...my fate. If so, I only hope that I can learn to overcome my desires and to realize the true meaning of my life.

An Innate Feeling

Lately...I have felt this growing....knot in my stomach lately. It's been getting worse, yet I don't really know why. I usually expect this feeling to just be anxiety or something of the sort, but it has only been getting worse lately. I assume it has to do with the latest events that have been going on, along with the fear and tension that came packaged with it.

Have you ever had that feeling that you know something is about to happen? For some reason...everything around me feels different. Things are a bit indifferent for some reason...like I'm trapped in a non-familiar place. It's odd, since there really hasn't been much of a difference to my daily routine. The only thing that comes to mind is the status of my father, yet I have always had a deep fear that things could end up the way they are now.

If that's the case...then maybe I'm feeling the impact of everything at once. Maybe now...everything is real to me. For so long, it felt like I'm living in a bad dream. Everything I ever held dear fell apart all at once, and I felt like I was left alone without anyone to hold on to. But now...as things reach this critical moment...I think it all settled in. This is really happening...and there is nothing I can do about it. For so long, I hoped for a better tomorrow. But this is real...and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to face the truth...and realize that my father does not have much time left to live. It doesn't matter if it's years, months, or weeks...he won't be here to see me or my sister grow up and start our own families.

I realize now that this is my main problem in life. I dream too much. I hope for the brighter things too much. But in the end, dreams don't always come true. Hope alone isn't enough to change anything. This is real. This feeling is a consequence for my foolish belief that things could work in my favor. My father's condition cannot be cured by human hands. At this point, it's up to his will...and we must follow God's plan. I hate being so powerless...but I realize that I have no control over this situation. If God wants it to be, it will be done...I need to accept that. The same goes for every other situation that has been weighing on my heart lately. Things happen for a reason. I'm where I'm at because that was God's intention.

I can feel that this is why I feel so weak...it's hard to realize that we sometimes have no control over the events that occur in life. My whole life...I've relied on hope alone to get me through my problems. But now I realize that hope just builds false confidence...and when all of it crashes down at once...the truth is overwhelming.

I just want everything to be work out for the better...I want my dad to recover and to live a healthy life. I want my friends to enjoy their time in college. I want my family to not have to worry about financial and health issues as well as providing for each other. I want her to live a happy and successful life with her other without any interference from outside sources...even if it means me. I could care less about myself right now...as at this point...what hope do I truly have? I live my life one day at a time. Each day presents a new obstacle...a new trial. Can I overcome them all? Am I supposed to overcome them all? I don't know anymore...but all I can do is place my trust in Him to help me along the way.

I still want to do everything I can to help in any shape or form. I'll always be a friend, brother, or son before I am myself. I realize that this is the main thing I'm good at...and perhaps that is the reason I'm here. I have never felt more sure of myself than I am right now. I honestly believe I am here to impact the lives of those around me. That is what I enjoy doing...even if I don't feel the satisfaction immediately. Even if it kills every shred of feeling in me...I want those who I care for to live happily. There are very few people who realize this, and even fewer people who tell me this on a daily basis.

During this trial I've been going through, I've tried to find people who I could lean on for comfort and compassion. Unfortunately...there are very few who have offered a helping hand in the same way as I lend to them. This was a bit disheartening for a very long time...and I struggled to realize the reality of it. There are very few people who I still choose to confine my thoughts and feelings with...while the rest I just talk to for the sake of conversation. It may seem a bit rude to say all this...but I honestly believe I can't overcome this trial alone. For so long, I have tried to live my life without the need of others. But when the one time I needed help came...so many people just turned away...which really hurts. But then again...I've been through this my entire life...so it wasn't new to me.

My dad's condition means the world to me at the moment. If he doesn't recover...I don't think I could bear to see his body and mind deteriorate. Even now...as I look at him laying in his hospital bed...I can't bear to see him. I want to imagine him walking my sister down the aisle during her wedding...but it's not going to happen. This sudden shock came way too fast for all of us...and we may never recover until it's all over. Even then...I don't know how I would survive once everything has been played out the way it was meant to be. Would I immediately feel the pain...or will it build up just like it's been my whole life? Will I be left alone to heal...or will someone be there to help me stand up? There is always one thing I can do whenever I feel alone in the world. He will never leave me, or turn away my plight. But the rejection from those who I trusted is a harsh and low blow.

I kind of got sidetracked here...I kind of let everything loose at once. I don't think there is really anything else for me to say...maybe I'll end this with a more positive note.

Despite everything that could possibly go wrong...I feel blessed for the things that I do have. Although I feel like I have been left alone by those who I once trusted...there are a few select people who make me feel like the luckiest guy on the planet. They know who they are too...but without these people, I would be truly lost without a paddle. There are other people who have given me selective help here and there, and despite us going down different paths...I have still enjoyed the time we spent together. I just wish that the connection was more stable...as the time spent together was truly sensational.

I don't normally expect to receive much self-pleasure from those who I care for. Just knowing that I helped out is good enough for me. But there are a few people who have made me stop, smile, and thank God for being alive. It's because of you all that I am still here...and thinking that I truly found a purpose in life...and it's among all of you. Thanks for being the best friends that a guy could ask for...and I hope that we can remain friends no matter the obstacle. Whether it's a stupid fight, interference from other people, distance, or status...I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friendship we share.

A Promise....to Myself

For a very long time, I have been stuck between a conflict that has been raging inside me. I always force myself to believe that I have everything under control. But lately...I have started to realize that I really don't. As much as it pains me to admit...I definitely do not have control over my true feelings. For so long...I have learned how to keep my inner emotions inside me. It has always been incredibly tough to conceal my feelings and to express a different image. Even know...I believe that this is still a feat I am able to pull off. But as things stand now...I can't go on.

I have tried so hard to conceal my true feelings for a very special friend of mine. I promised my friend that I will always be there, and to never break her trust. But...recently I realized how much of a deceiver I truly am. She will always be my friend...and I would never betray her trust. But how can I truly be her friend when I am hiding something terrible from her? How can I be there for her when there is something inside of me pushing me to stay away for her benefit? I can't take it anymore...I care for her more than anyone could know...yet I condemn myself for it. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Everyone tells me that my feeling for her will diminish as time goes on. But as our friendship grew over the past month or so...so did something else. I truly hate myself for it. I honestly do. Despite what someone may tell me...I am ashamed of my heart.

So...what I'm doing here is a sort of promise...to myself. If I lost her as a friend because of my feelings for her, I would never be able to forgive myself. Even if this feeling never comes between us physically, the emotional strain on me as I watch her grow and start her family will tear me apart. So...for the benefit of both of us...I will try my best to close my heart from her. It may seem a bit childish or idiotic to say so...but this is something that I must do...and I believe it can be done. There are way too many things going on in my life right now...far more than I can handle. Even now...I am breaking apart as everything falls apart around me.

I can say this and mean every word...Kelly is one of the best people I know. She makes me happy...she helps me feel the brighter side of things during a dark time. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for our friendship. If I was to bring about an obstacle that could pry us apart, I feel the very last string that holds me together would snap. I have already felt the tension by others who choose to interfere. There are more important things I should be worried about right now. Yet despite the other problems going on, I am still troubled by the conflict in my heart. I will give my heart the time it needs to heal. I will try my best to alleviate the wound at a later time. But right now...there is something else that demands my attention.

Even now...as I finish this, I feel a pain deep down for what I am trying to do. It won't be easy...and I don't even know if I will succeed. But if it's my friendship with her on the line...I will do anything to ensure that we remain friends forever.

Eh...

I know no one reads these, but I might as well dump some stuff here just for the sake of it. This is a more personal post, so don't expect anything insightful for once. I really don't feel like it tonight :(

I've been having a real rough time trying to figure out what decisions I should make in life lately. Should I seek answers that make other people feel better, or follow decisions that make me feel better? Because usually, the two choices are polar opposites of eachother, and choosing to do one always brings about consequences. Most of my life, I have performed my best to make others feel good with little happiness for me. Usually, knowing that I helped someone else makes me feel happy, but with the emotional strain that I've been under lately, I don't know what to do anymore. There are many, MANY things that I really want to get off my chest, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I fear that the things I say will bring about more than I bargained for, and I shy away from these things and attempt to fix my problem by helping someone else.

As I said, this usually warrants the satisfaction I desired. But lately, I just can't keep myself stable. I find myself shutting down and becoming delirious. As dramatic as that may sound, I just can't figure out the cause. This strain I'm putting on myself is too much for me to handle, but it's not intentional by any means. I really try to look out for myself, as well as those dear to me. But there is always someone out there to make me fail. The amount of effort I put into my daily routines never goes without hardships, as there is always someone who tries their hardest to see me fall.

Eh...such is life I suppose. I may be stressing it to much. It's probably nothing to get worked up about, and I should just move on. The thing is...I just can't. Especially when every thing I am concerned about is a part of my daily activities. I won't get into it now, as I'm desperately trying to fight a losing battle in my mind, but everything that could ever go wrong is a part of my daily routine. I can't avoid it...so I'm stuck with either fighting it...or just letting it go. I have encountered enough hardships in my life...more than I could hope for. I can easily shrug off a few annoyances. But when I am struck with them everyday...I don't know how long I can keep up.

Hopefully things will settle down in time, and everything will become clear. I desperately try to view the brighter side of things, and to hope for a better tomorrow.

I know no good deed goes un-awarded. I've experienced the satisfaction before. But the wait itself is a challenge in it's own right. I'm just hoping for that one "big" break...a sort of miracle that will truly make me and the few people I truly care for happy.

Morals

Today in work, we were having a discussion regarding on of the boys that work there. He apparently is talking to a girl, and we were throwing some ideas out there on who he's talking to. Someone suggested that he was talking to a girl that hangs with a rough group uptown, and someone eventually questioned if this boy will do a sexual act. I for one stood up for the boy, saying I believe he is a better person, and will know when the right time to go down that pathway is. Another girl then said that sexual desires is prominent in men, and said that most will succumb to that desire if an opportunity ever presents itself. Much to my dismay, she demanded that I look her in the eye and tell her straight up that if the girl I have feelings for makes a move on me, would I be able to resist?

One of the adults we worked with tonight threw their two cents on my situation. She said she believed I had a strong will and good morals, and would not succumb to my innate desire and to respect her for who she is. What she said is spot on...that is how I truly feel. After the whole situation blew over, I started to think on what was said.

We each have our own individual views on the many different aspects of life. Whether it's as controversial as religion, or as simple as eating habits, we each seem to have our own personal take on things that help develop our character. Our morals are a key defining factor that make our personal generalization. A character with few/poor morals will be very easy to point out. That being said, someone who has many/pure morals will also be easy to identify.

What are your morals, and do they help you as you go through your daily activities? Do your morals present themselves daily, or are they only circumstantial? Do you even follow your morals?

At work, I witness people talk about things I frown upon on a daily basis. I am forced to listen to these people talk about sexual acts, alcoholic behavior, and drug prominent extravaganzas everyday. Each time I hear these people talk about these things, I feel more and more disgusted on how they waste away doing these things. On the other hand, I appreciate my own moral for not going down a path similar to theirs.

From my own personal experiences, I also noticed that those who have morals of pure intention get criticized much more than they deserve to be. Those who live a life of disgust tend to vent their anger on those who are living successfully...hoping to drag them down to their level. Why? Probably through jealousy. If you see someone living a life free of the troubles that you are faced with because of a poor call on your part, how would you feel? Would you wish that you had developed strong morals and avoided this critical error?

I honestly try to live my life in a way to help others. It makes me happy to see others smile...knowing that I impacted their life in a positive way. When other negative forces come into the picture hoping to bring me...as well as those around me down, I can't help but feel anger. But my personal take on all this remains neutral...that's their decision...to harm those around them. But my decision is to help those in need of assistance, and I try to do everything I can do achieve that personal goal. I could join those other people for a night on the town and develop bad morals. But why should I? I'm perfectly fine where I'm at. I know who I am...I don't need to pretend to be someone I'm not. My morals help define my character.

Will you let your morals define you? If yes...will it be in a good way...or a bad way? Only you can decide. Actions and beliefs are two entirely different things. You can say one thing...but go out and contradict your words. We see this everyday. But will you succumb to that horrible ploy? There is no one better than a two-face...someone who says things, but never fulfills their commitment. I have encountered people like that far more than I ever hoped. But they're out there...don't help the list grow. Stay true to who you are.

Develop good morals, and stick to them. You will achieve great things...meet great people. If people get to know the real you from the beginning, you will leave a honest impression on their heart.

Feel free to talk about your morals here, as well as your own experiences with the subject.

The Strength of the "Heart"

I first tried to write out a blog here that went into the emotional aspect of the "heart". I found that I just couldn't compose my thoughts together without rambling. However, even though I can't really say everything I originally said, there is still one statement I wanted to delve into. It will be on a more personal level than my last post was, so keep that in mind.

I honestly find it miraculous how strong the "heart" really is. The "heart" is called many things...strong, weak, flawed, flawless...but I honestly can't seem to find the right word to call it. But one thing I now know...is how strong it can be. Throughout my days, I have encountered different experiences that made my emotions go haywire. I have been overcome with sadness and grief, struck with impulses of affection, encountered shots of anger and pain, riddled with emotional puzzles and mysteries, blissfully awarded tokens of happiness and excitement, and devastated with rejection and betrayal. Much despite the ups and downs life has to offer, I only found myself learning from each and every obstacle I came across. It's as if my "heart" picked up the various impulses that go through me in every situation I overcame.

As I saw the person I cared deeply for start her new life today, I didn't know what to expect. I dreaded to feel overcome with sadness, as it was the last thing that should be going through my mind at the time. However, even though deep down, I could feel my heart wrenching, I was overcome with joy and pride to see the one I care for make her vow. It was, in all honesty, the emotion I expected to least happen, yet it was the most prominent. Even now, as I sit here after everything is over and as I reflect on the event of the day, I still feel the same way.

What I'm trying to say is that we may never fully comprehend just how our emotions work. We may think we know their functions better than everyone else, but once you think you know the pattern, something amazing happens that blows away your expectations. Our "hearts" can be pumped with happiness...torn by sadness...overcome with love...or even slashed with hatred. But one thing that seems to become a common occurrence is how strong and durable our "hearts" become after each trial. As humans, we may never fully comprehend the forces of nature that govern the mental spectrum. Scientists may claim to have found viable data to support statistics, but what good does that do for the majority of the population? Most people prefer not to get caught up in the statistical aspect of things...and who can blame them? We live life the way we want to live it. We live and learn...that's how we mature. How do you want to define yourself? I can guarantee that your choice will impact your emotional stability for the rest of your life.

Do you want to be a caring individual? Your actions will support your choice.

Do you want to be a violent psychopath? Your actions will support your choice.

Our choices truly define who we are. As humans, we are flawed to sometimes view the darker side of things. It seems to just be the way we are...always considering the non-perfect outcomes in a non-perfect world. But what we think is not always the same as what we feel or do.

I really feel like I'm rambling on now, so let me make this ending quick. The human "heart" is much stronger than anyone could imagine. I doubt I know where to begin on the subject. I merely offer opinions. Humans are flawed on so many levels, it's not even fair to begin starting to count...as we'll never finish. But if you look through the darkness, there is a light deep inside that truly defines who we truly are. Can we control how our "heart" works? It varies really...depending on the person. Some people can...some people can't...and some people can't realize what's going on.

As for me? Well...I feel like my "heart" is set to care for the well being of others. Despite the selfish feelings that have been running through my head lately, I truly felt proud to be called that girl's friend today...as I couldn't have been more happy than I was today. So...what does your "heart" say about you?

A Clouded Future

When we are all children, we love to imagine what it will be like to be an adult. And why not? A child's imagination knows no bounds. We can imagine ourselves becoming a fireman...saving innocent people from great disaster. We can imagine ourselves becoming astronauts...exploring uncharted territory in the great reaches of space. We can imagine ourselves becoming soldiers...fighting to preserve the safety and well-being of the country we live in.

A child's imagination is truly a wondrous thing. But one thing a child never thinks about is what can go wrong in the future. As we grow older and realize the true dangers of the world, we still prefer to look at a bright and prosperous future. Think about it...would you rather become a millionaire and live in Beverly Hills, or would you want to be living in a cardboard box in a Chicago alley? Obviously, no one would pick the latter, but in reality, people are forced into this situation every day.

You may be wondering why I am bringing this up in the first place. In reality, when I was a kid, I imagined becoming a fireman. I wanted to be a hero to many, an idol for the community. I wanted to rescue people from danger, and become a hometown hero. I wanted to go to school and be smart, make lots of friends. Go to college, get the best education money could buy. I would become a fireman with the highest credentials, and have no problem working my way through the ranks in the station. I would be a prime example of a successful human being.

But that's just imagination. Nothing can prepare any child for the truth, besides the truth itself. How far did I get along my childhood path? Well, I went to school, got a high school degree. Not bad. Did I make plenty of friends and graduate at the top of my class? Not even close. Well...what's next...the best college money could buy. Well, I'm going into a community college nearby under financial aid.

The point of this whole post is that there is NOTHING that can prepare us for the future. We can hope and dream all we want, but that will not bring us success. There is literally a cloud blocking the road to our future. What lays beyond that cloud? There is no way to find out. We can predict all we want, but there is no way to look past that cloud. So what do we do? Well...there are two things. We can either walk through that cloud, or not go in it at all. If you chose the latter choice, you may be suicidal. But if you chose the former option, you are practical. You hear these stories all the time talking about people living to become who they dreamed to be years ago. Well, good for them. But the truth is, most people won't be so fortunate.

Let me speak from example for a little longer. When I was a kid, did I expect to see my grandfather die and leave us when he did? Did I expect to almost lose my mom to a massive blood clot due to smoking? Did I imagine myself almost dying in a major car crash? Did I predict my dad to be diagnosed with cancer? Well...of course not. Everything I mentioned are things NO ONE would EVER wish to think about. (Well...for the most part, but I won't go into those people, as I despise them.) We are taught to have a positive outlook as children...to dream of a better tomorrow. In reality, this is a wise decision, as a child's mind is too fragile to take the truth of the world. But think about this for a minute...is it FAIR to constantly cloud anyone's judgment with the false statement: everything will be okay? That statement is used in every possible situation, mostly when everything will NOT be okay. But is sure makes us feel better...which brings us back to the very beginning, as well as the end of this philosophy.

Now, I'm no professional. I'm no researcher. I'm just a free thinker. These are my thoughts and understandings. I have gone through more stress that most people would take me for. And what have I gained from it? Experience. I have more experience at my age than some people have in their entire lifetimes. Would I rather be living in a mansion atop a cliff side facing the ocean? Maybe...it sure sounds tempting. Would I prefer to live the easy life over the one I have now? No.

This so called "easy life" is just a veil which covers the truth. It clouds the true meaning of our existence behind a curtain of cash, alcohol, drugs, and sex. All of these things sound tempting, and may govern one's mind. But would I do any of it? No. My life is unique, and I can say with a positive face that I am proud to be alive. Sure, my life is tough...I encounter problems daily. I have felt like I am alone on this Earth, trying to get by when everyone wants me to fail. I watch as people I care for leave...never to see them again. I watch as people I trusted stab me in the back. I watch loved ones start their own destinies, as I assist from the sidelines with a torn heart. Could I do without this pain? Of course. But would I hit "rewind" to undo it all just to sidestep it all? Well...I'll let you decide for yourself.

Now let me ask you something in closing. How will you face your future? Will you walk through it, knowing of the dangers that may come? Will you run through it, watching the time pass you by? Will you slowly trod through it, appreciating each and every obstacle and wonder you walk by? Or...will you stop on the road...look around...and smile....knowing that you are still alive...and knowing that there is still uncertainty ahead. What will lay ahead? Danger? Success? Love? Death? The fear of the unknown is an easy thing to catch. But the only thing that can prepare you for all of it...is the uncertainty itself. Now...I ask you. Are YOU ready to face the unknown? Our future may be clouded with uncertainty...but we don't need to face it alone. Don't ever forget that...I know I won't.