An Innate Feeling

Lately...I have felt this growing....knot in my stomach lately. It's been getting worse, yet I don't really know why. I usually expect this feeling to just be anxiety or something of the sort, but it has only been getting worse lately. I assume it has to do with the latest events that have been going on, along with the fear and tension that came packaged with it.

Have you ever had that feeling that you know something is about to happen? For some reason...everything around me feels different. Things are a bit indifferent for some reason...like I'm trapped in a non-familiar place. It's odd, since there really hasn't been much of a difference to my daily routine. The only thing that comes to mind is the status of my father, yet I have always had a deep fear that things could end up the way they are now.

If that's the case...then maybe I'm feeling the impact of everything at once. Maybe now...everything is real to me. For so long, it felt like I'm living in a bad dream. Everything I ever held dear fell apart all at once, and I felt like I was left alone without anyone to hold on to. But now...as things reach this critical moment...I think it all settled in. This is really happening...and there is nothing I can do about it. For so long, I hoped for a better tomorrow. But this is real...and there is nothing I can do to change it. I have to face the truth...and realize that my father does not have much time left to live. It doesn't matter if it's years, months, or weeks...he won't be here to see me or my sister grow up and start our own families.

I realize now that this is my main problem in life. I dream too much. I hope for the brighter things too much. But in the end, dreams don't always come true. Hope alone isn't enough to change anything. This is real. This feeling is a consequence for my foolish belief that things could work in my favor. My father's condition cannot be cured by human hands. At this point, it's up to his will...and we must follow God's plan. I hate being so powerless...but I realize that I have no control over this situation. If God wants it to be, it will be done...I need to accept that. The same goes for every other situation that has been weighing on my heart lately. Things happen for a reason. I'm where I'm at because that was God's intention.

I can feel that this is why I feel so weak...it's hard to realize that we sometimes have no control over the events that occur in life. My whole life...I've relied on hope alone to get me through my problems. But now I realize that hope just builds false confidence...and when all of it crashes down at once...the truth is overwhelming.

I just want everything to be work out for the better...I want my dad to recover and to live a healthy life. I want my friends to enjoy their time in college. I want my family to not have to worry about financial and health issues as well as providing for each other. I want her to live a happy and successful life with her other without any interference from outside sources...even if it means me. I could care less about myself right now...as at this point...what hope do I truly have? I live my life one day at a time. Each day presents a new obstacle...a new trial. Can I overcome them all? Am I supposed to overcome them all? I don't know anymore...but all I can do is place my trust in Him to help me along the way.

I still want to do everything I can to help in any shape or form. I'll always be a friend, brother, or son before I am myself. I realize that this is the main thing I'm good at...and perhaps that is the reason I'm here. I have never felt more sure of myself than I am right now. I honestly believe I am here to impact the lives of those around me. That is what I enjoy doing...even if I don't feel the satisfaction immediately. Even if it kills every shred of feeling in me...I want those who I care for to live happily. There are very few people who realize this, and even fewer people who tell me this on a daily basis.

During this trial I've been going through, I've tried to find people who I could lean on for comfort and compassion. Unfortunately...there are very few who have offered a helping hand in the same way as I lend to them. This was a bit disheartening for a very long time...and I struggled to realize the reality of it. There are very few people who I still choose to confine my thoughts and feelings with...while the rest I just talk to for the sake of conversation. It may seem a bit rude to say all this...but I honestly believe I can't overcome this trial alone. For so long, I have tried to live my life without the need of others. But when the one time I needed help came...so many people just turned away...which really hurts. But then again...I've been through this my entire life...so it wasn't new to me.

My dad's condition means the world to me at the moment. If he doesn't recover...I don't think I could bear to see his body and mind deteriorate. Even now...as I look at him laying in his hospital bed...I can't bear to see him. I want to imagine him walking my sister down the aisle during her wedding...but it's not going to happen. This sudden shock came way too fast for all of us...and we may never recover until it's all over. Even then...I don't know how I would survive once everything has been played out the way it was meant to be. Would I immediately feel the pain...or will it build up just like it's been my whole life? Will I be left alone to heal...or will someone be there to help me stand up? There is always one thing I can do whenever I feel alone in the world. He will never leave me, or turn away my plight. But the rejection from those who I trusted is a harsh and low blow.

I kind of got sidetracked here...I kind of let everything loose at once. I don't think there is really anything else for me to say...maybe I'll end this with a more positive note.

Despite everything that could possibly go wrong...I feel blessed for the things that I do have. Although I feel like I have been left alone by those who I once trusted...there are a few select people who make me feel like the luckiest guy on the planet. They know who they are too...but without these people, I would be truly lost without a paddle. There are other people who have given me selective help here and there, and despite us going down different paths...I have still enjoyed the time we spent together. I just wish that the connection was more stable...as the time spent together was truly sensational.

I don't normally expect to receive much self-pleasure from those who I care for. Just knowing that I helped out is good enough for me. But there are a few people who have made me stop, smile, and thank God for being alive. It's because of you all that I am still here...and thinking that I truly found a purpose in life...and it's among all of you. Thanks for being the best friends that a guy could ask for...and I hope that we can remain friends no matter the obstacle. Whether it's a stupid fight, interference from other people, distance, or status...I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the friendship we share.

A Promise....to Myself

For a very long time, I have been stuck between a conflict that has been raging inside me. I always force myself to believe that I have everything under control. But lately...I have started to realize that I really don't. As much as it pains me to admit...I definitely do not have control over my true feelings. For so long...I have learned how to keep my inner emotions inside me. It has always been incredibly tough to conceal my feelings and to express a different image. Even know...I believe that this is still a feat I am able to pull off. But as things stand now...I can't go on.

I have tried so hard to conceal my true feelings for a very special friend of mine. I promised my friend that I will always be there, and to never break her trust. But...recently I realized how much of a deceiver I truly am. She will always be my friend...and I would never betray her trust. But how can I truly be her friend when I am hiding something terrible from her? How can I be there for her when there is something inside of me pushing me to stay away for her benefit? I can't take it anymore...I care for her more than anyone could know...yet I condemn myself for it. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Everyone tells me that my feeling for her will diminish as time goes on. But as our friendship grew over the past month or so...so did something else. I truly hate myself for it. I honestly do. Despite what someone may tell me...I am ashamed of my heart.

So...what I'm doing here is a sort of promise...to myself. If I lost her as a friend because of my feelings for her, I would never be able to forgive myself. Even if this feeling never comes between us physically, the emotional strain on me as I watch her grow and start her family will tear me apart. So...for the benefit of both of us...I will try my best to close my heart from her. It may seem a bit childish or idiotic to say so...but this is something that I must do...and I believe it can be done. There are way too many things going on in my life right now...far more than I can handle. Even now...I am breaking apart as everything falls apart around me.

I can say this and mean every word...Kelly is one of the best people I know. She makes me happy...she helps me feel the brighter side of things during a dark time. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for our friendship. If I was to bring about an obstacle that could pry us apart, I feel the very last string that holds me together would snap. I have already felt the tension by others who choose to interfere. There are more important things I should be worried about right now. Yet despite the other problems going on, I am still troubled by the conflict in my heart. I will give my heart the time it needs to heal. I will try my best to alleviate the wound at a later time. But right now...there is something else that demands my attention.

Even now...as I finish this, I feel a pain deep down for what I am trying to do. It won't be easy...and I don't even know if I will succeed. But if it's my friendship with her on the line...I will do anything to ensure that we remain friends forever.

Eh...

I know no one reads these, but I might as well dump some stuff here just for the sake of it. This is a more personal post, so don't expect anything insightful for once. I really don't feel like it tonight :(

I've been having a real rough time trying to figure out what decisions I should make in life lately. Should I seek answers that make other people feel better, or follow decisions that make me feel better? Because usually, the two choices are polar opposites of eachother, and choosing to do one always brings about consequences. Most of my life, I have performed my best to make others feel good with little happiness for me. Usually, knowing that I helped someone else makes me feel happy, but with the emotional strain that I've been under lately, I don't know what to do anymore. There are many, MANY things that I really want to get off my chest, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I fear that the things I say will bring about more than I bargained for, and I shy away from these things and attempt to fix my problem by helping someone else.

As I said, this usually warrants the satisfaction I desired. But lately, I just can't keep myself stable. I find myself shutting down and becoming delirious. As dramatic as that may sound, I just can't figure out the cause. This strain I'm putting on myself is too much for me to handle, but it's not intentional by any means. I really try to look out for myself, as well as those dear to me. But there is always someone out there to make me fail. The amount of effort I put into my daily routines never goes without hardships, as there is always someone who tries their hardest to see me fall.

Eh...such is life I suppose. I may be stressing it to much. It's probably nothing to get worked up about, and I should just move on. The thing is...I just can't. Especially when every thing I am concerned about is a part of my daily activities. I won't get into it now, as I'm desperately trying to fight a losing battle in my mind, but everything that could ever go wrong is a part of my daily routine. I can't avoid it...so I'm stuck with either fighting it...or just letting it go. I have encountered enough hardships in my life...more than I could hope for. I can easily shrug off a few annoyances. But when I am struck with them everyday...I don't know how long I can keep up.

Hopefully things will settle down in time, and everything will become clear. I desperately try to view the brighter side of things, and to hope for a better tomorrow.

I know no good deed goes un-awarded. I've experienced the satisfaction before. But the wait itself is a challenge in it's own right. I'm just hoping for that one "big" break...a sort of miracle that will truly make me and the few people I truly care for happy.