For a very long time, I have been stuck between a conflict that has been raging inside me. I always force myself to believe that I have everything under control. But lately...I have started to realize that I really don't. As much as it pains me to admit...I definitely do not have control over my true feelings. For so long...I have learned how to keep my inner emotions inside me. It has always been incredibly tough to conceal my feelings and to express a different image. Even know...I believe that this is still a feat I am able to pull off. But as things stand now...I can't go on.
I have tried so hard to conceal my true feelings for a very special friend of mine. I promised my friend that I will always be there, and to never break her trust. But...recently I realized how much of a deceiver I truly am. She will always be my friend...and I would never betray her trust. But how can I truly be her friend when I am hiding something terrible from her? How can I be there for her when there is something inside of me pushing me to stay away for her benefit? I can't take it anymore...I care for her more than anyone could know...yet I condemn myself for it. I know I shouldn't feel this way. Everyone tells me that my feeling for her will diminish as time goes on. But as our friendship grew over the past month or so...so did something else. I truly hate myself for it. I honestly do. Despite what someone may tell me...I am ashamed of my heart.
So...what I'm doing here is a sort of promise...to myself. If I lost her as a friend because of my feelings for her, I would never be able to forgive myself. Even if this feeling never comes between us physically, the emotional strain on me as I watch her grow and start her family will tear me apart. So...for the benefit of both of us...I will try my best to close my heart from her. It may seem a bit childish or idiotic to say so...but this is something that I must do...and I believe it can be done. There are way too many things going on in my life right now...far more than I can handle. Even now...I am breaking apart as everything falls apart around me.
I can say this and mean every word...Kelly is one of the best people I know. She makes me happy...she helps me feel the brighter side of things during a dark time. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for our friendship. If I was to bring about an obstacle that could pry us apart, I feel the very last string that holds me together would snap. I have already felt the tension by others who choose to interfere. There are more important things I should be worried about right now. Yet despite the other problems going on, I am still troubled by the conflict in my heart. I will give my heart the time it needs to heal. I will try my best to alleviate the wound at a later time. But right now...there is something else that demands my attention.
Even now...as I finish this, I feel a pain deep down for what I am trying to do. It won't be easy...and I don't even know if I will succeed. But if it's my friendship with her on the line...I will do anything to ensure that we remain friends forever.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you to go through. Truly, I don't think you should be ashamed of your heart: you've been faced with so many negative things to deal with, and have treated her with kindness and respect. What I see is that you've concealed your feelings for her to protect her and make her feel better, and though it must be taking a huge emotional toll, it shows how much you do care about her. More than anything, I hope that you two are able to remain great friends, because it sounds like a truly rare sort of friendship few are able to say they've had.
ReplyDelete